New Photos

I just added some photos from the Burnham family reunion. Check 'em out.

Equations of Life

EQUATIONS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Key Search

I am big on keeping things in the same place as to avoid looking for them ALL THE TIME. For example, I always keep my wallet and keys together, and they are almost always in one of two places - downstairs on our car key rack or upstairs in my closet next to the valet my Grandpa made.

A quick side note: I would put them INSIDE the valet, but Jared, upon seeing that I keep loose change in one of the compartments, decided to empty his entire piggy bank into my valet. So, now my entire valet is full of coins. He said he doesn’t need the money so I can have it.

I have also designated certain pockets for certain items. My left pocket is for my cell phone and my right pocket is for my wallet and keys. I just like to have as much routine as possible and it works for me – That is, until my kids get involved. Then, who knows where my stuff ends up??

Well, this morning, I was heading out the door for work, and I couldn’t find my keys. I knew they weren’t upstairs, because I had just been up there. I checked the key rack and they weren’t there either. I checked my right pocket – no keys. Wendy was still upstairs, so I asked her if my keys were up there. Nope. So, Wendy, Jared, Reese (she had no choice as Wendy was holding her), and I spent about 5 minutes trying to figure out where my keys were, all the while accusing Rowan (he was upstairs watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and didn’t care one bit about my keys). We looked everywhere and could not find them.

Then, I decided to start the search over. I checked my right pocket, no keys. Then, I haphazardly checked my left pocket, all the while wondering why I was even wasting my time with the left pocket. I never put my keys in the left pocket - ALMOST NEVER. But, now I had to face my family with a dunce cap. We got a pretty good laugh out of it. I’m just glad I didn’t accuse Wendy of misplacing my keys – she would have had a field day!

Bourne Ultimatum

Last week, Steve and I went to see the new Bourne flick, Bourne Ultimatum. Personally, there just aren’t that many movies that I get excited about. I have come to the point where I don’t even like to go to the theatre to see movies. I prefer to watch them at home – It is much more comfortable to fall asleep on our Luv Sac as opposed to the theatre seats.

But, I knew there would be no need for a Luv Sac with Jason Bourne…Wait, that doesn’t sound right…Actually, it kind of does. I have a huge MAN CRUSH on Jason Bourne. In fact, I want to be Jason Bourne so badly, I have almost convinced myself that, with a tiny bit of training, I CAN BE Jason Bourne (except for the ability to speak every language known to man and pygmy).

At the conclusion of the movie, while Steve and I were walking out, surrounded by all sorts of potential “perps,” I whispered to Steve, “Just think, these people have no idea who I am. They don’t realize that they just watched a movie about my life.” Steve, possessing very similar DNA as myself, felt the same way. So, no doubt, he noticed the same thing I did as we were leaving the theatre. Just outside the door, a suspicious looking Asian man (okay, maybe a boy), had his cell phone pointing directly at me. Knowing that a photo of my location could easily be passed on to the NSA and CIA, I swiftly grabbed the phone from the agent’s hand, smashed the phone, removed the SIM card, then knocked him out with a round house kick to the chin (in the spirit of full disclosure, this all happened in my mind only). I didn’t want to kill him, because he was just following orders. It’s not his fault his superiors are corrupted by greed and want of power.

I know this all sounds silly right now, but once you see the movie it will all make perfect sense. You too will walk out of the theatre as a sophisticated, highly trained, government assassin.

Check out this trailer--

Talented Guitarist

Phone Hiding

I am sure, at one time or another, you have done it – PHONE HIDING. And, if you haven’t, you will after reading this.

By “phone hiding,” I do not mean the kind of joke that I played on one of my bosses. That was pretty funny, though. My former boss thought it was so funny to steal and hided cell phones. When someone would lay their cell phone, he would take it, hide it, and get a kick while the owner would spend hours looking for it. In fact, I wonder how much I spent looking for my phone. Anyhow, one day, during a week of major corporate meetings (they flew in all the managers from across the country), I decided to get him back. During a 15 minute break, I took his phone and hid it in the ceiling above the ceiling tiles. Then, when the meeting resumed, I constantly called his phone. It rang and rang until he finally realized it was his phone. So, in the middle of someone’s presentation, he had to climb on the table, removed several ceiling tiles, and search for his phone. He was pretty embarrassed, and I felt super satisfied.

Now, back to the other kind of “phone hiding” – It is super useful at times. I have used it many times to avoid unwanted conversations. For example, if I am sitting in my office and I notice one of my “special” employees heading my way, I can quickly pick up my cell phone and begin talking as though I were having a real conversation. When the employee gets to my office, I just give my “this will be awhile” signal, and voila, they disappear, usually to solve the issue on their own.

Or, say you and another person get stuck listening to another person’s super boring (insert, “annoying,” “embarrassing,” “dumb,” “illogical,” etc.) story. When you realize you would rather be stuck in a hot car, on a Phoenix summer, with the windows rolled up, and the ignition off, you simple reach into your pocket, grab your phone, put it to your ear, and say one magical word, “HELLO.” Then, you just walk away – and make sure you do it with confidence, like you just got a call from someone super important. Also, make sure you do it before your equally suffering counterpart does, because if they have been orientated on phone hiding (aka “hiding behind the phone”), they may get the jump on you.

You may be asking yourself, “But, what if I get stuck in that scenario, but I don’t have my phone with me?” Great question! I have been in this situation many times, and I have a solution. Use your hand! That’s right - YOUR HAND. This is ONLY for advanced phone hiders and here’s how it works. Just turn one ear towards the storyteller, then put your hand up to the other ear, duck your head while tilting it towards your fake phone, and say “HELLO.” Then, walk away with the same confidence you have when you actually have a phone. I have even used my wallet at times.

I hope this helps in times of unwanted conversation and unwanted potential conversation.

Tribute to Moms

Bad Blogger

It has been forever since my last REAL posting. I have to get back into the swing of things with my blogging. I don't have too much to blog about right now, but I can give a quick rundown on some things I have been thinking.

1. As my calling, I work with the deacons. The whole scouting thing comes along with that territory. I am not sure how I feel about it. Having never been a big scouter, but seeing others awarded their eagle, I am not sure what true value it adds. What do you think?

2. There is a new movie coming out about the Mountain Meadow Massacre. It is a major motion picture starring Jon Voigt (sp). From what I have read, it paints a pretty ugly picture of the event and even implicates Brigham Young in the decision to kill the immigrants. Are you planning to see it?

3. I am currently reading in Helaman ch. 10 and 11. Read about the issues Nephi addresses WITHIN the church! Then ask yourself how you can avoid being a disappointing follower of the Savior.

4. I want to get into photography (no Dad, not pornography, that is still off limits, so don't tell mom that I said it is okay for you to try it). I think it would be cool.

5. I just bought a road bike so I can train for a triathlon. I know that sounds crazy, but I really want to do it. Yesterday I took a short ride (5 miles) and it was a ton of fun. Those hills that don't look steep sure do FEEL steep on a bike! Have any of you ever wanted to do a triathlon?

6. My youngest brother Steve is getting ready to enter law school. I am excited for him and am curious to hear about what he learns. He is going to be attending Texas Tech and my hope is he will move to Dallas when he graduates. We would love to have he and Marissa here with us.

That's about it for now.

Here is a poem I wrote for your reading pleasure:

Scabs

You will find them on their knees.
As boys grow they fall,
Constantly running and jumping,
Playing in life’s playground
Without a care in the world
In front of them
Lies manhood
Waiting to teach them
Of life’s other playground
Constantly running and jumping
As men grow they fall,
Leaving scabs on their souls.
You will find them on their knees.