Here's what happened next:
"You might say I 'betrayed' my sense of what I should do for Nancy," he continued. "Now that's sort of a strong way to say it. But I just mean that in acting contrary to my sense of what was appropriate, I betrayed my own sense of how I should be toward another person. So we call such an act 'self-betrayal.'"
"...Picture the moment. I felt I should get up so Nancy could sleep, but then I didn't do it. I just stayed lying there next to Nancy, who also was just lying there."
As Bud was saying this, he drew the following in the middle of the board:
"Now - in this moment, as I'm just lying there listening to our wailing child, how do you imagine I might've started to see, and feel, about Nancy?"
"Well, she probably seemed kind of lazy to you," I said. "Okay, 'lazy,'" Bud agreed, adding it to the diagram.
"Inconsiderate," I added. "Maybe unappreciative of all you do. Insensitive."
"...What do you think, Tom? Was Nancy really asleep?" "Oh, maybe, but I doubt it. Bud wrote "faker" on the diagram.
"But hold on a minute, Bud," Kate objected. "Maybe she was asleep - and probably, from the sounds of it, because she's worn out from doing everything for you," Kate added, obviously happy with the jab.
"Okay, good point," Bud said with a grin. "But remember, whether she actually was asleep is less important right now than whether I was thinking she was asleep. We're talking now about my perception once I betrayed myself. That's the point."
"So from the perspective of that moment," Bud continued again, looking at me, "if she was just feigning sleep and letting her child wail, what kind of mom do you suppose I thought she was being?"
"Probably a pretty lousy one," I said.
"And what kind of wife?"
"Again, pretty lousy - inconsiderate, thinks you don't do enough, and so on." Bud wrote this on the diagram as well.
"So, here I am," he said, backing away from the diagram and reading what he had written. "Having betrayed myself, we can imagine that I might've started to see my wife in that moment as 'lazy,' 'inconsiderate,' 'taking me for granted,' 'insensitive,' a 'faker,' a 'lousy mom,' and a 'lousy wife.'"
"Wow, Bud. Congratulations," said Kate, sarcastically. "You've managed to completely vilify one of the best people I know."
"I know. It's scary, isn't it?"
"But it's worse than that, even," Bud continued. "That's how I started to see Nancy. But having betrayed myself, how do you suppose I started to see myself?"
What do you guys think? How did he begin to see himself?
Happy Anniversary
7 years ago
6 comments:
testing
ok, now I will comment. I said testing before because I wrote a comment and it didn't publish. I think that when the husband started blaming his wife for the situation, he was putting himself in a position to be a victim or martyr, as som many of us do when we encounter a conflict. I can see him thinking of himself as the "poor working husband and father who only asks for a good night's sleep whose wife is lazy and reluctant to symathize." I can also see him feeling a sense of self-hate. I know that when we betray ourselves, we begin to feel about ourselves the way we would feel toward anyone who would lie, deceive or betray us. Maybe he felt his self-respect diminish, or felt a tinge of guilt. He probably will become less sensitive to his conscience or inner voice because of the lack of trust he will end up having with himself. I don't know, just my thoughts...don't know if they made sense
I think that he probably started to feel bad for himself and think of all of the things in his life that he wished were different instead of thinking of why he should be grateful for his life. Having these thoughts would help justify his actions, and make him seem like he is doing the right thing. When really he needs to just change his attitude and not be selfish. ????
I asked Kamron's opinion on this and I asked how he would feel and his reply was: "I don't know. If I heard her I would have just gone and got her".
Then when I asked him if he did hear and he knew I was ignoring the baby, what would he think? He said: "She(the baby)needs to cry".
This is how all my deep conversations go with Kamron... Nowhere.
Ha Ha... :)
Anyways, I think obviously the man would have an inner disappointment with himself for doing what he knew was the wrong thing.
Think of the wonderful feeling it gives us inside when we do any kind of service for others for the right reason. If he did it for the wrong reason (like just to try to make her feel bad) then I think he wouldn't feel any better either. Ultimately, it comes down to selfishness and thinking of others and their feelings and making some sacrifices. Like Jesus Christ.
Sounds like all of you Ladies have issues with your hubbys...
Notice that my wife didn't comment...That's right boyeezz, take some notes.
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